14w6d Dear Baby Z

Dear Baby Z,

I can hardly believe that tomorrow, you will be 4 months old!  And in just one week, Dad and I will find out whether you are a little boy or a little girl.  We can’t wait!  It’s funny – I’ve been convinced for the past few months that you are a little boy, but for the past few days, I’ve been picturing you as a little girl growing in my belly.  Speaking of growing, Baby Z, I think I felt you move for the first time this week!  Your movements are not noticeable to the outside world yet – not even to your Dad – but I can feel you ever-so-slightly swimming in there, usually in the evenings.  I’m humbled and amazed each time I feel your little flutter.  Your Dad gets a little jealous that only I can feel you and I always reassure him that you will make your presence known to him soon enough, but secretly, I love that for now, your periodic swimming lessons are something special that only you and I share.  I hope this is only the beginning of many special moments that we will share together in the years to come.

I’ve been thinking a lot about you and me this week – mainly, what kind of person will you think I am, and what kind of Mom will I be to you (other than a kickass one).  Will you think that I’m funny?  Smart?  Strict?  Boring? Silly?  Will you like my cooking?  Will you hate it?  Will I embarrass you in front of your friends?  Will you think I nag too much?  Don’t nag at all?  Will you want me to be your friend?  Your confidant?  Will you, heaven forbid, want to call me by my first name, like I see so many kids do nowadays?  (Actually, I’m ruling this last possibility out right now.  Whether you like it or not, you will call me ‘Mom’ or ‘Mommy’ and that’s that.  I’m not carrying all 1000 pounds of you in me for nine months for you to call me by name as though I’m like everyone else. I’ve earned the Mommy title, darnit!)

Truth be told, I don’t know what kind of Mom I will be either.  Will I be strict or lax?  I have no idea.  Will I embarrass you in front of your friends?  Probably.  Will I nag too much or not at all?  Hopefully the latter, but your Dad will tell you not to bet on it.  I have a general idea of the kind of parent I wish and hope to be, but there’s no way of telling how the cookie will crumble when push comes to shove.  So Baby Z, this journey will be as much of a discovery process for me as it will be for you.  I already know that I’m going to make a ton of mistakes.  Maybe this is un-Mommy-like of me to admit, but I’m really dreading changing your diapers, waking up many times in the middle of the night to feed you from my body (I don’t even know how this is going to work), and doing your laundry multiple times in a day.  And Lord help me if you’re a huge crier.  I don’t do very well with tears and/or loud noises.  I’m also super clumsy, and I’m already having some nightmares about accidentally sitting on you or dropping you.  It’s going to be a miracle if you make it past your first month.

I guess all that I can promise you is that I will do my best to not screw you up too much.  And although I may never learn to love doing your laundry or changing your diaper (but c’mon, who likes handling poop!?), I’m hoping that I have lots of other redeeming qualities that you’ll come to appreciate.  For one, I think your Mom is a pretty good cook.  I know your diet will consist mainly of liquids for a while, but I am really looking forward to the day when I can make you a special meal of your favorite foods.  I already know the very first food that I want to introduce you to:  Snickerdoodle cookies!  They are my favorite – simple, unadorned, sweet, crispy on the outside and soft on the inside, with a hint of delicious cinnamon.

That’s my hope for you too – sugar and spice and everything nice.

I love you, Snickerdoodle baby of mine.



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