28w5d Giving Birth the Dumb Way

Now that I’m in my third trimester (and the size of a beluga whale) I get a lot of questions from friends, coworkers, even a random hipster on the 2 train asking me if I’m planning to take any birth preparation classes.  After doing some research and putting some thought into this, I’ve decided that the answer is…nope.  I know that for some people, these classes can be comforting and informative, but for me, they’d just be a huge waste of time and money because quite frankly, these days I have the attention span and memory retention of a monkey on crack.  In another post I mentioned that J and I took an infant CPR class  a month ago, and how I found the class to be very helpful.

Yeah, that was a month ago.  Try putting a choking infant in front of me now and I’ll show you what choking really looks like.  I can’t recall anything I learned from that infant CPR class now, other than “Call 911”.

So no to birth classes.  And if that makes me a bad mother, then so be it.  Yes, part of me is scared that I will be the laughingstock of the maternity ward by not knowing any labor or birthing techniques or exercises (I can already hear the nurses whispering, “Hey have you seen that batshit lady in 2314 screaming like a chicken without a head?  I bet she wishes that she took lamaze now.”), but that’s a risk that I’m willing to take.

I’m going to go into labor the way I strolled into my college Econ 101 exams – without attending any classes and hungover/drugged up with an epidural.  Oh, and some late night cramming the night before.

I recently told my mom about this birth plan (or lack thereof) of mine, to which she replied, “I see that you’re going into birth the same way you got knocked up – the dumb and unplanned way.”


For the record, I ended up getting an A- in Econ, so haters can suck it.


28w0d Third Trimester Worries and Woes

 Your baby’s the size of an acorn squash!

Your baby weighs nearly three pounds now and measures about 17 inches. Though he’s getting pretty close to his birth length, he still has to chub out a bit. In fact, over the next 11 weeks, he’ll more than double — or even come close to tripling — his weight. And as he grows and the room in your womb gets tighter, you’ll be less likely to feel those big kicks and more likely to get poked by an elbow or jabbed by a knee.  His muscles and lungs are continuing to mature, and his head is growing bigger to make room for his developing brain. To meet his increasing nutritional demands, you’ll need plenty of protein, vitamins C, folic acid, and iron. And because his bones are soaking up lots of calcium, be sure to drink your milk (or find another good source of calcium, such as cheese, yogurt, or enriched orange juice). This trimester, about 250 milligrams of calcium are deposited in your baby’s hardening skeleton each day.

(Sources: Baby Center, What to Expect, The Bump)


It’s official.  I’m now in my third trimester.  Baby Z will be full term on Jan 4 (37 weeks), although he’s due on February 1.  Jan 4 is exactly 8 weeks from today!  Won’t lie, I’m starting to panic a little.  Maybe more than a little.

I’ve been keeping myself awake at night freaking out about a million and one things, such as:

1. Holy shit.  I’m totally unprepared.

2. I still need to figure out my Company’s maternity leave policy.  Also, when should I take leave?  Two weeks before my due date?  One week before my due date?  The day I go into labor?

3.  Should I take a birthing class?  They are hideously expensive to take in NYC and most of my friends who have taken them say that they’re not really helpful in preparing them for the actual birth, but since I have no freaking clue what I’m doing, will it give me some peace of mind to take one?

4. I need to figure out how the whole breast feeding thing works.  I hear it’s way more complicated than just offering the baby your boobs whenever he wants.

5. Please God don’t let me get an episiotomy.

6.  I will never be able to spontaneously make last-minute plans again.  Not for dinner, not for movies, not for drinks, not for walks, not for poops, not for…anything.   (Deep breaths…)

7.  Need to compile a good list of last-minute babysitters.

8.  Need to finish the nursery.

9.  What if Henry and Baby Z don’t get along?  Worse, what if Baby Z is allergic to Henry?!  This one gives me nightmares.

10.  What if I really, really, really hate being a mother?  I know that I will love Baby Z with all of my heart, but what if I really hate…you know, all the rest that comes along?  Like taking caring of him?  Or what if I just suck at being a mom?

These last two have me breaking into cold sweats at night, even though it’s below freezing out these days.

Is this normal?