10w4d things they don’t tell you about pregnancy

There are a lot of things that people don’t tell you about pregnancy – probably because if people knew the truth, no one in their right minds would decide to have kids.  The truth is…pregnancy is not all poppies and roses, puppies and kisses, smiles and giggles.

In short, pregnancy is not pretty.

Here are some things I’m discovering:

  1. Unwanted hair:  I think I read somewhere that pregnancy makes your hair grow faster, thicker, and healthier.  That is true, but what they don’t tell you is where all this thick, luscious hair is growing.  The other day I found two strands of this thick, luscious hair growing on my hip.  Seriously?!  They were at least two inches long and seem to be sprouting out of nowhere.  C’mon. 
  2. Wolverine claws:  My nails are growing faster and harder than they’ve ever grown in the past.  While I’ve always had relatively healthy nails, these days I feel like I’m attempting to trim Hugh Jackman’s adamantium claws on a daily basis.
  3. Failing eyesight:  This is one that is mentioned in the pregnancy books. Pregnancy actually affects your vision – and not for the better.  I’ve always prided myself on my 20/20 vision, but these days I’m finding reading the blackboard menu at Starbucks to be a struggle.  Which is just as well, because you’re not supposed to have much (if any) caffeine while you’re pregnant.  So much for my daily beloved vanilla soy lattes.
  4. Dry, itchy, boogery eyes:  Not to harp on this point, but holy hell, I’ve had more eye infections and crap coming out of my eyes in the past few weeks than I’ve had my entire life.  In the morning, my eyes are so heavily weighed down by the gunk crusted on them that I think that I’m going blind.
  5. Man hands:  My hands are dry, wrinkly, red, cracked and swollen.  ALL the time.  No matter how much lotion I lather on them, my hands look like they belong to those of a 100 year old basketball player who does heavy construction work in the sun on the side.  Btw, there’s actually a name for this condition: palmar erythema.  Oh, and there’s no rhyme or reason to it.  Just a another pregnancy curiosity.  Lovely.
  6. Sudden, uncontrollable flatulence:  I’ve complained about this before in a previous post, but I can’t stop farting.   A few weeks ago, I could at least make it down the hallways before letting one rip in private, but these days, they come as they will.  I’ve lost all control down there.
  7. Glow-schmo:  No doubt you’ve heard of the glorified “pregnancy glow” in which the expectant mother, whether from happiness or the surge in hormones, look especially healthy and attractive.  What they don’t tell you is that this waxy sheen comes with a healthy side of acne and random brownish and yellowish patches on your face.   So while you may have an eighteen-year-old’s glow, you also have an eighteen-year-old’s skin.
  8. – 10.  I’ll leave these to your imagination.   Now I understand why there are things that they don’t tell you about pregnancy, because some things are truly best left unsaid.

Sometimes I have to keep reminding myself that at the end of all this smelly, hairy, itchy messiness 6 months from now, there will be a beautiful, happy, and fat…

plate of sushi and a venti vanilla soy latte.